Ticking Time Bomb...

If your wondering about the lack of posts this week, its because we have been having a lot of emotional turmoil in our house this week and I just haven't been ale to pull it together.

I started writing this post 2 weeks ago, and I was wondering if I should even share it... but now that other events have expired, I feel I must. I’m not sure how often people read the comments that follow after some of my blog articles, but I wrote the following reply to Michelle's comments on the blog in response to my post “It’s been a bad few days” 

"… So it’s either I put up with her (my sister) and not break my mom's heart, or I initiate war... and right now I just don't feel that my emotion arsenal could take that kind of damage and come out okay... So for now I'll balance between the fragile peace of silence and distance before a grenade goes off...”

And I can’t get it out of my head. For the past week or so I've felt the weight of these words... and for the past month or so I've seen my energy level shrivel up and die, bogged down by the emotional overload caused from my sister.… I found myself making more trips to the kitchen to hide myself in vanilla ice cream Chocolate Syrup and Carmel Sauce “happy” …

SCB and I have been struggling as I continue to find only negative things to brew and dwell upon... and I just feel this immense need to crawl deep within me and place my battle armor on so nothing can penetrate inside, to welcome the shelter and inner fortress I’ve long held at bay that once granted me strength during the tough years…

If I’m honest, I feel beaten, defeated, and raw…

and I just want to throw something and hear it shatter and break the silence. And the sad truth of the matter is that I know the real issues are still on the horizon… just waiting to meet the dawn and explode.


2 Weeks Ago I got a phone call from my sister...
and I just assumed she called me to talk about plans for my mom’s upcoming birthday gathering (you can read about last year’s debacle here and here). After some phone tag I finally caught her that evening… Our conversation was quick, but it wasn’t about the tentative plans for my mom's birthday. Instead she was telling me that she was just calling to chat…

Sure, she dropped in things like how I never call her up to socialize and how she just wanted to just check in and let me know I could call her to talk… if I wanted to... and a moment later in the same sentence she managed to convey that it was too late to chat so she was calling it a night… but I could call her… if I wanted to…

All in all, just a few moments on the phone, but I could feel those “real issues” that were floating on the horizon slowly come into play and with my mom’s birthday around the corner, she’s looking for something big to add to the anger she was able to stir up with my baptism...

The only problem is that my sister has done this in the past… so I know what's coming. You see, her phone call out of the blue asking me how things are going will later be used in a conversation with my mom as evidence about how she’s been *trying* to reach out to me like she's been *asked* to do and that I simply can’t be bothered to try and foster a *better* relationship with her…

The problem is that I don’t want to talk with her. I don’t want to share with her the events of my life, especially considering she convinced my mom to come drunk to my baptism, skip out on my confirmation, and try and force my mom to write a will for the entire purpose of writing me out of it.

So I’m sorry, but no. Those actions don’t invite an environment of friendship and the only reason I haven’t spoken with my sister directly about her extremely inappropriate behavior is because it will only give her the spark she needs to ignite the grenade and blow everything up...

But I’m tired.
I’m tired of trying to go out of my way to accommodate them and their bubble. I'm tired of holding back my feelings. I want to tell my mom how hurt I am that she as an adult chose to come to my baptism drunk and how dinner with my sister was more important to her that night instead of coming to the dinner I invited them both to at my home.

I want to tell my mom how much it hurts that we have offered to help her with things and she just doesn’t respond and ignores us because my sister won't let us help her.

I want to tell my mom how I’m still hurt that she left my wedding reception the nano second the toasts were over and the cake was served to go to a bar with my sister because she wanted to... and how it breaks my heart that she missed out on that day.

I want to tell my mom how much it hurts to know that in the end, she’ll always side with her...


And while grace is truly an empowering thing, extending grace and forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to keep standing in the ring taking blow after blow after blow.
But I'm learning. After a lifetime spent as a door mat you have all seen me grow. I have had moments where I allow myself to be the victim time and time again... and moments where I not only stand my ground, but take 2 giant leaps forward.

It's been a cycle of rinse and repeat.

It's been 26 years of emotional abuse and its time it came to an end.

If I don’t choose to play along and forget the past year or so, my sister will just keep tormenting me until I crack and she gets what she wants... so I'm going to play the only card i'm left with.

I'm going to drop bomb myself, on my own terms, and finally end this once and for all...